How to build your 21st-century village
Most of us have heard the African proverb “It takes a village to raise a child”. You’ve might also come across the idea that it takes a village to support a new mum. Maybe you were told to build your village of support for your postpartum. But how does that look like in a century where we don’t live in villages anymore?
The purpose of the village
Women have always supported women after childbirth. After a baby was born the community came together to care for the new mother so that she could care for her newborn child. Family and neighbors cooked and cleaned and made sure the mother rests and is well. Motherhood skills like breastfeeding and settling were passed on to the new mum.
It was also common for a woman to have supported many new mums before she had her first baby which gave her a greater knowledge, comfort, perspective and experience that benefited her in her own postpartum experience.
The village provided practical support for the new mum as well as knowledge and experience around postpartum, breastfeeding and infant care and a lot of emotional support.
These are important areas that you want to have covered from your village.
Be proactive
Back in the days when the majority of people lived in villages, the family and women of the neighbourhood came together to support a newborn mum and her family. It was a normal part of the culture.
That is the big difference to today.
Most of us live in cities away from family and we hardly know our neighbours.
It is not part of our culture to support a newborn mum and her family.
Our village is not naturally given anymore which means we have to be proactive in building it.
Be courageous
Asking for and receiving help in your postpartum can seem like a sign of weakness or failure in our society that defines strength with independence.
Asking for help might require a mindset shift. What if asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness but rather a sign of strength and courage and self-compassion? I like the quote from Brené Brown in her book “Rising Strong”:
“When you judge yourself for needing help, you judge those you are helping. When you attach value to giving help, you attach value to needing help. The danger of tying your self-worth to being a helper is feeling shame when you have to ask for help. Offering help is courageous and compassionate, but so is asking for help”
Practical Support
Simplify recurring tasks
It's a good time to go through recurring tasks and try to find ways to simplify them.
Some ideas:
Grocery Shopping: Set up an online account and get your groceries delivered
Cooking: Cook an extra portion and freeze it or look for a postpartum meal delivery service
Paying Bills: Set up automated payments
Ask for help
I know it's difficult but it's important to ask for help. Most family and friends are more than happy to support. Be direct in asking for help so that the people around you know that you actually need help, be specific with the task because oftentimes family and friends want to but don’t really know how to help and be finite in telling them how long you need help for.
Some ideas:
Meals: Ask friends to organise a meal train or bring food when they come and visit you.
Laundry: Ask someone to come for 1-2 hours to help with your laundry.
Older siblings: Ask your friend to babysit your older children or to do the kindergarten/school runs.
Pay for help
Do some research and ask for recommendations for professionals such as a postpartum doula, a nanny or cleaning services.
Knowledge, Experience and Emotional Support
This might not be the first thing that comes to your mind when thinking about building your village but it’s such an important part. There are different ways to surround yourself with people who are knowledgeable and experienced in postpartum recovery, newborn settling or breastfeeding.
Some ideas:
Courses: You can do a postpartum and breastfeeding preparation course to learn what to expect- this can be locally or online.
Books, Blogs & Podcasts: There are many ways to get good information and to read or listen to other people’s stories and learn from their experiences.
Mother’s Group: Find people who are in the same stage as you are or further ahead in the journey so you can talk to them and learn from each other. You can join a mothers group, postpartum fitness or baby massage course - this can be locally or online.
Professionals: You can hire a Postpartum Doula, Lactation Consultant or a Confinement Lady who can support you at home after your baby is born and can answer your questions, give you some tips and care for you.
Family and Friends: Maybe your mother, sister or a friend who already has children or experience in postpartum support and who will guide and encourage you in your intuition.
All that said, it is not all about getting the most support possible, but also about the type of support and the person giving the support. You want to surround yourself with people you like and trust and who will be positive and encouraging.
Building our village might look different from what it once was. It needs some time and requires effort but it is as important as it used to be and will ensure that you have the support that you need when your baby is born.
